


And just like that a spell was broken

by nofeartina



Series: Rearranged [4]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bottom Even, Bottom Isak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied past dubcon, M/M, Mention of alcohol and drug abuse, POV Even, Top Even, Top Isak, uncomfortable sexual situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-24 23:04:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12022938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: Even’s stable and feels like he’s on top of things.He gets a decent amount of sleep, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t take any drugs. He takes his meds 2 times a day 12 hours apart like he’s supposed to.He loves going to uni, he loves going to work and he loves his apartment. His life is good, regulated and on schedule. He’s in as much control as he possibly can be.The only irregularity is Isak.





	And just like that a spell was broken

**Author's Note:**

> This really doesn’t make sense on its own, so go read the other parts of this series if you haven’t… :)
> 
> My beta, Mornmeril, is the absolute best!! She works so hard for me to make this worth reading. I just wouldn’t know what to do without you, babe!!! <3
> 
> I am so, so grateful how well you’ve all received this series. Your comments on the last part nearly made me ded, you are all so kind to me. Every comment, kudos and hit means the world to me! So thank you all!! :D
> 
> I am going to repeat the warning I put in in the last part:  
> This part deals with bipolar and Isak’s background. And I want you all to remember that this is a work of fiction, and this is how I’ve chosen to narrate it. There are lots of different ways to have a MI, I completely understand that, and I’ve tried to be respectful about it in my writing. Furthermore, Isak has some unhealthy coping mechanisms for his problems. If you don’t like to read about these types of things, this is where you step away. :)
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you enjoy Even’s POV. :)

Even knows he’s not being a good friend right now. He knows he shouldn’t be spacing out of the conversation quite so much, shouldn’t be checking his phone all the time. But it’s so hard for him not to get distracted when he hasn’t heard from Isak in a couple of days.

Especially since Isak’s been acting weird lately. He’s seemed so restless and even harder for Even to reach than usual. He has cancelled his plans with Even a few times now and Even is starting to worry.

But he’d been unable to stand staring at his phone for even a moment longer. He needed to get out of his apartment, felt like he was going crazy. So, without even asking, he’d gone over to Elias’ place.

But the boys are turning out not to be the kind of distraction he’d hoped for. They’re treating him with care, like they know that something’s up, but are unsure whether he wants to talk about it.

Even checks his phone again and sighs as he puts it down. Still no word from Isak. He suddenly notices that the boys have quieted down around him, making the room still in a way it rarely is when they’re all together like this. He looks up and notices that they’re all staring at him, while casting glances at each other, trying to get somebody to start talking.

“Is everything alright, Even?” Mutta finally asks.

He’s always been the bravest of them.

Even is just sitting there, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. He knows he hasn’t exactly been hiding his distress, he just hadn’t realised that he’s been broadcasting it so clearly.

“Yeah,” he says, and buys himself a minute by putting down his phone.

But he can still feel the silence in the room, knows that everybody is still staring at him. He doesn’t have to look at them to know that they’re waiting for him to tell them the truth.

“No, I mean, I don’t know,” he says, shrugs and fights to come up with the right words. “I just haven’t heard from Isak in a few days.”

“And you’re worried something’s wrong?” Elias asks, and Even can feel them all lean into him, rallying around him, offering their support.

Even is so fucking grateful for his friends, how they always keep showing him that there’s a place for him among them.

“No, I…. Yes. I’m worried,” he says and sighs.

“Are you guys okay?” Mikael asks and puts a comforting hand on Even’s knee.

“Yeah, we’re completely fine. But he’s going through some stuff at the moment I just feel like something’s different, but he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it.”

And maybe that’s what’s wrong when it comes down to it, maybe that’s why Even is feeling so abandoned. The fact is that Isak is clearly struggling with something, and he’s doing it all alone, when Even just wants to help, wants to be a part of whatever Isak is going through.

He hates seeing him like that.

Of course he’s noticed that Isak hasn’t been sleeping well lately. And that he’s stayed at his own apartment more than usual, but he always excuses that with how busy he is with uni. And that’s really hard for Even to argue with, even if he suspects that it’s not the entire truth.

“That sucks!” Yousef says and Even just nods at him.

There’s a pause, where it’s clear that they’re waiting for him to continue, and so Even takes a deep breath before he says, “Something’s changed, and it’s making me antsy that I don’t know what it is…”

The boys all nod, trying to get him to talk more, but before they can ask him another question Even’s phone beeps, indicating that he’s received a message. Even has snatched up his phone before he even knows it, and he breathes out in relief when he sees it’s from Isak.

“He wants me to meet him,” Even says and types a quick answer.

“Are you going?” Elias asks, and Even really wants to.

He really, really does. But he feels like he has to make a stand somehow, and not just jump every time Isak asks him to.

“No, I’m hanging out with you guys!” Even says and smiles a real smile for the first time that evening. He’s just so happy that Isak is finally talking to him again.

He hears another beep from his phone and as soon as he’s read it, he’s off the couch.

“I have to go,” he says distractedly, patting down his pockets to make sure he has everything.

“Oh, was it a booty call?” Elias laughs and the gang follows.

But Even doesn’t smile back and the laughter dies out fast when he looks at them for a short second and on his way out says over his shoulder, “No. Nothing like that.”

He puts on his shoes and his mind is already trying to figure out how to get to Isak’s place the fastest, and his ears are still ringing with the message and it’s all he can do to breathe right now.

_Please, I need you._

\--||--

Even isn’t really sure how he manages to get there so fast, but the fact is that he’s standing in front of Isak’s frontdoor not even 20 minutes later. It still feels like that’s too long.

Even ascends the stairs quickly, and before he knows it he’s standing outside Isak’s door. He’s afraid of what he’ll see on the other side of the door. What state Isak will be in. Isak never asks like that, so Even is scared that something’s really wrong this time.

He knocks and when he doesn’t get an answer he tries the handle. The door opens immediately, revealing how dark it is inside. Even enters hesitantly, his urgency from before now completely gone.

“Isak?” he calls out as he closes the door behind him and starts taking off his shoes and coat.

It’s so quiet inside the apartment, and the only light he can see is coming from the small lamp by the bed. He finally pops his head in and immediately notices Isak sitting on his chair by the desk, staring at a bottle. Even looks at it closer and sees that it’s a bottle of vodka. Isak’s favourite drug.

“What’s going on?” Even asks and tries to keep his voice level, when he really wants to yell.

At Isak. At this. At the quiet after being frantic for so long.  

“I need your help,” Isak says in a low voice that Even hardly recognizes.

But he doesn’t continue, although Even waits for him to. Instead the apartment stays quiet and it’s making Even feel even more on edge.

“With what?” he asks, trying to sound calm.

He doesn’t want to spook Isak when he still doesn’t know what’s going on.

“I need you to distract me so I don’t drink this.”

Even takes a couple of steps closer to Isak.

“Okay?”

Isak still hasn’t looked at Even, keeps his eyes completely on the bottle.

“I don’t want to drink it, I really don’t. I want to stop. But I can’t stop looking at it, can’t stop wanting it.”

He sounds so broken and desperate that Even’s heart almost stops beating and he feels frantic to _do_ something.

He steps closer, puts his hand around the bottle and takes it off the table.

“What kind of distraction are you looking for, Isak?” he asks as he carefully starts taking the few steps towards the kitchenette, making sure that Isak knows what’s happening, making sure that Isak can stop him if he wants to. But Isak’s eyes are still locked on the bottle.

Isak shrugs and licks his lips, so Even opens the bottle and slowly pours it out in the sink. He makes sure that Isak can see him doing it, that he can hear the sound of the alcohol going down the drain, but he keeps his eyes away from Isak.

Even doesn’t want to see him look at anything but him like that.  

He’s kind of afraid of what Isak’s answer will be. If it’s sex.

He’s not really sure he’ll be able to give Isak that kind of distraction right now, with his mind still stuck on Isak looking at the vodka like that. He hates seeing the evidence of Isak’s addiction close up like this. He understands that it’s what he signed up for, that he knew that it would take up a large part of their relationship. But it’s still hard to _see_ it like this.

“Anything,” Isak breathes out and that makes Even finally look at him.

Isak is looking right back at him and he looks so lost that Even can hardly breathe from it.

“Okay,” he says and immediately knows what to do. “I know a place we can go.”

So that’s how Even finds himself knocking on the door to Elias’ place a little while later, with Isak standing nervously behind him. He knows with every fibre of his being that the boys will make the best kind of distraction for Isak.

It’s like a revelation seeing Isak interact with his friends. It’s the first time Isak has really blended in with other aspects of Even’s life and he fits perfectly. Like he belongs there.

Isak starts off a bit nervous, and probably comes off a bit stand-offish as that seems to be the default he reverts back to when he’s thrust into new situations. But in a matter of minutes Even can see him turn on the charm, and when he starts to banter with Mutta, Even knows that he did good. That he made the right choice coming here.

At some point Isak looks at Even and winks at him with a smile on his face, and he looks so at ease and so good, like he’s forgotten why he’s here in the first place. It makes Even’s heart soar with happiness.

It’s just so good seeing Isak make an effort to fit into his life.

\--||--

Even has a busy day ahead of him. Besides a ton of uni work, he has to go to the doctor to do a blood test for his lithium check-up and after that he has plans to eat lunch with his mother.

They used to do that once a week, just so she could rest easy and check up on him and he’s always done it happily. He’s already caused her so much pain that he likes how he can keep her calm by meeting up with her once in a while. Lately he hasn’t had the time to see her as much, certainly not once a week, and he knows that she worries.   

He gets the doctor’s appointment out of the way quickly, gets his blood taken, answers a few question about his general well-being, and then he’s on his way again.

Same old, same old.

He’s been relatively stable for a while now, thanks to his meds. So much so that he just needs to have these regular check ups. It makes him feel less out of control, more like his bipolar is a disease that can be handled like any other. But in the back of his mind he understands that all this can change in an instant.

His mind is stuck on the latest project he has to finish for uni as he enters the house he grew up in.

“Hi mom,” he shouts in the direction of the kitchen while he takes off his jacket and shoes.

He can hear music and the entire house smells divine, so he knows that she’s cooking up something delicious for him.

“Hi Noodle,” she shouts back at him and he can’t help but smile fondly at the nickname.

When he gets there she has her hands busy making a salad, but she still manages to lean over to him and offer up her cheek for a hug and kiss and he gives her both happily.

“How are you?” she asks and it’s not a check-up question, it’s just her being curious and he really appreciates her not hounding him the moment he steps inside.

“I’m good,” Even says and steals a tomato from her cutting board. “Busy,” he continues, and then eats it.

She smiles and nods at him, like she expected as much.

“How’s Isak?” she asks, and slaps at his fingers when he tries to steal another tomato.

Even shrugs. He would rather not answer that question since it’s kind of hard to answer truthfully without worrying her.

“He still hasn’t agreed to meet us?” she asks, and this is a discussion they’ve had before.

“I still haven’t asked,” he answers, like he has so many times before.

And predictably she sighs, clearly disappointed.

He knows that they want to meet Isak, but he just can’t ask him. Not yet. Not when he knows that Isak’s relationship with his own parents is fucked up for whatever reason. And not when he still doesn’t quite know where they stand in regards of him asking Isak for things in return.

He feels stuck in a way he hasn’t felt with Isak before, but it just keeps growing in him. This feeling that maybe this relationship isn’t as equal as it could be. How he shouldn’t be afraid of asking Isak to do things for him, but he _is_. He undeniably is.

She puts down her knife and turns to look at him. He looks down at the table, can feel her mom-gaze trying to sort him out and it’s making his skin itch.

“Even. Is there a reason you don’t want him to meet us?” she asks, and keeps looking at him.

He’s put this off for so long, it was really only a matter of time before she would start asking the hard questions. She’s never shied away from doing that.

“Or is it a matter of you not wanting us to meet him? Should I be worried?”

He can’t escape her when she’s like this. She knows him too well, knows when he’s avoiding the truth and she’ll only let him get away with it for a little while.

He shrugs, trying to buy himself some time.

“I…” he clears his throat before he continues, “I don’t know how to ask him.”

Despite his best effort, his voice is still low, almost a whisper, and this is the first time he’s said anything like this out loud. His doubts have lived inside him for so long, but he’s never verbalised them.

He glances at his mother, trying to gauge her reaction and her gaze immediately softens.

“Noodle. You just do it. It’s not that hard.”

She obviously doesn’t know the whole truth about Isak. How can he possibly tell her or his dad about what kind of problems Isak has? They’re bound to worry about Even, he knows how much they worry about whether he’s in a stable environment. And he knows that Isak is anything but.

She looks at him for a long time, and the silence grows between them.

“You know,” she says as she turns back to the cutting board, giving him a reprieve from her piercing eyes. “You shouldn’t be afraid of asking him for things.”

He exhales roughly at that. Somehow his mother always knows what’s bothering him. It’s almost scary sometimes how she manages to just look right through the bullshit and get to the core of his problems.

“I know you,” she continues. “I know how much you like to give. But it’s okay to ask for things in return, okay? At some point you’re going to need him to do things for you, you know? It’s not fair that you’re the one who keeps on giving and giving.”

And what the hell is Even supposed to say to that? He knows it’s true. Can feel it in his bones that him being afraid to ask Isak for anything is keeping them back. But the fact of the matter is that he’s afraid to. He’s so afraid of demanding anything from Isak and he hates it.

He knows that something has to give, but he keeps going back to how he just doesn’t want to be without Isak. Not anymore. He’s just not sure how to move past this.

They finally sit down to eat and the rest of their lunch goes by without his mother digging deeper into his relationship with Isak, thankfully. He answers her other questions, goes through the checklist with her like he always does. He’s still stable and still feels like he’s on top of things.

He gets a decent amount of sleep, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t take any drugs. He takes his meds 2 times a day 12 hours apart like he’s supposed to.

He loves going to uni, he loves going to work at Kaffebrenneriet a couple of times a week and he loves his apartment. His life is good, regulated and on schedule. He’s in as much control as he possibly can be.

The only irregularity is Isak.

He knows that he should talk to Isak about helping him with his checklist. Should tell him what signs to look for, what kind of behaviour should make him take notice. Even is relatively good at recognising the signs himself when he’s slipping.

But he’s gotten very close to a full-on episode a couple of times simply because the elated state before the mania really sets in just feels so good, but his parents have always caught it in time so far. The problem is that he doesn’t see them enough these days that they would be able to catch him if he were to slip again.

He’s so grateful that his brain responds so well to him getting back on schedule, most of the time he only needs a couple of days of quiet and medication to get his sleeping pattern back on track. He feels so lucky that he’s like this, he knows that so many people have it much worse than him.

It’s been a long time since he’s had an episode. He knows his mind relatively well, knows that there are things he has to do to regulate and stabilise himself. And he does those things happily. Most of the time.

But he doesn’t want to give Isak up. Although he’s the biggest source of stress for him at the moment, he doesn’t want to be without him.

He just needs to work out how to make Isak fit into his life in a way that won’t cause him too much stress. Has to figure out how to make Isak fit. Like he has with the rest of the things in his life.

\--||--

Sometimes things happen to him that feel like they’re somehow connected to Isak but he doesn’t know how to put it in a bigger picture, to make sense of it. Like people saying things to him that they think will mean something to him, or people talking to him like they know him at campus.

He’s good at letting it go, understands that Isak has a past and has been around. He knows that not all people have taken the news of them being together in the best of ways, and honestly that still _baffles_ him. How some people feel like they have any right to an opinion about his and Isak’s relationship.

But sometimes things happen that he just can’t brush off, and the thing is he doesn’t really know what to do when they happen.

Like tonight.

Even is ecstatic, is in a better mood than he has been in a long time. And the cause of that is standing there in front of him, being the absolute best boyfriend in the world.

They’re at a club and this is the culmination of the most perfect night ever. Isak is standing with Even’s friends, drinking soda for once, and he looks like he’s having a really good time. He’s laughing and joking and Even’s chest almost bursts with pride for this man, how far he’s come in the time they’ve been together, how much better he seems on nights like this.

He fits right in with Even’s squad. He looks like he belongs, and it’s perfect and everything that Even could’ve possibly asked for.

Even leaves him there to go buy them more drinks. He’s standing at the bar, bobbing his head to the music, and for the first time in a long time he feels like he’s on top of things.

So far this night has been the best. They’ve been on a date that Isak planned and Even is still overwhelmed, his face feeling almost sore from smiling with how perfect it’s been.

Afterwards they walked to Elias’ place hand in hand and Isak stopped him along the way to kiss him several times, looking so in love and happy. Even is so full of affection that he almost feels ready to pop. Like there just isn’t any more room left in him, like Isak has filled him up completely.

He feels so _together_ with Isak that what comes next catches him completely by surprise.

He can sense somebody leaning onto the bar next to him, way closer than you would normally do, and Even can’t help but look. It’s a guy, and he’s looking back at Even in a way that leaves no doubt that he’s interested.

He’s not bad looking, has a kind of bad boy vibe going for him with expensive clothes and an elaborate hair-do that’s made to look like he just rolled out of bed, but Even knows what kind of effort that type of styling really takes.

Even raises his eyebrows at him in a bit of a challenge as the guy is standing way too close for comfort.

“I saw you come in with that blond-haired guy, right?” the guy says in lieu of a greeting.

Even looks at him funny. Something’s off about this guy even though he tries to come off as kind. Even nods just the same.

“Are you two together?” he asks and Even smiles carefully and nods again.

He’s about to speak again when the bartender finally comes their way and Even orders two sodas.

As the bartender works the guy says, “Oh, so he’s not drinking? That’s new.”

Something’s definitely off. His tone of voice is haughty and he’s making Even’s hackles rise.

“Do I know you?” he asks as he stands up to his full height and turns to the guy just as the bartender comes back with their drinks.

The guy smiles at him as he passes his card over to the bartender to pay for them. Before Even can stop him the bartender has already taken the card and left with it.

“You don’t,” he says and lets his eyes glide over Even’s body in a way that makes Even feel sticky and uncomfortable. “I know Isak, though.”

The bartender comes back and hands the card back. The guy takes it and looks at Even all smug for a moment, almost like he enjoys how rattled Even appears by now.

“Tell him Andreas said hi.”

He leaves like that, with Even standing there, feeling like something horrible just happened but he doesn’t know _what_. But he does know, with absolutely certainty, that he will never pass that greeting along. No matter who this guy is, he can’t be someone that Isak wants to be reminded of.

He goes back to Isak with their drinks and Isak kisses him and looks happy and grateful and Even tries to return it. Tries to get the good mood he was in just minutes ago back. But even though he tries harder than he probably should it’s just gone. He’s not really a part of the conversation anymore and he stands on the sidelines, watching his friends have fun with his boyfriend.

He feels so lost, so at a disadvantage. He’s so tired that this keeps happening to him, that people talk to him like he’s supposed to know them. He’s tired of the fact that he doesn’t know, that there’s still so much that Isak hasn’t told him.  

He’s tired of the fact that Isak just won’t tell him anything.

He knows that Isak has a lot of baggage, he understands that it’s going to take time. But at the same time he feels so left out. It’s so hard getting Isak to talk.

Sometimes he feels like he does nothing but be available to Isak, and that he’s constantly running after him craving his attention. He knows it’s stupid feeling like that, but so far Isak has been really closed off and yet, most of their interactions have been about him.

Even doesn’t mind supporting Isak, helping him through what’s going on. But he wouldn’t mind a little support from Isak either. Isak knows he’s bipolar, but he hasn’t really asked about what that means. What that means for Even, or for them.

Isak has his head stuck so far up his own problems that he has a hard time recognizing that everybody else has problems too. And Even doesn’t feel totally unreasonable asking for a little back from Isak.

Right now he feels like he’s getting scraps. And that’s just not enough.

It used to be. But it might not be anymore.

\--||--

They’re standing outside the club, having just said goodbye to the squad, and the silence that’s left behind is uncomfortable. They aren’t standing next to each other, instead they’re opposite each other and there’s this space between them that’s more than physical.

“What time is it?” Even asks, more restless than curious.

Isak takes out his phone and as it lights up, Even notices that Isak has a couple of messages. Isak quickly swipes them away, glances at Even like he’s trying to figure out if Even saw them, and quickly answers, “1:30.”

Even’s stomach is churning. He’s glad that he hasn’t had anything alcoholic to drink tonight, or he’s sure that he would’ve started throwing it up by now.

Instead of taking the tram, Even suggests that they walk and Isak agrees, but the way that he looks at Even as he nods lets Even know that he suspects something’s off.

“Tonight has been a good night,” Isak says with a smile and takes Even’s hand. “I really like your friends.”

Oh, how Even wishes he could enjoy this more. But he just can’t. His hand tingles from where Isak is touching it, but it’s not pleasant like it usually is. For the first time he feels like he would rather Isak didn’t touch him. He feels uncomfortable in his own skin, too lost in his head.

It’s a weird trip home. Even is lost in these melancholic thoughts that keep popping up in his head at more and more regular intervals, and they’re slowly taking him over. Taint more and more of his interactions with Isak, even on nights like this where he should be happy.

Isak fills the silence between them, just chatting along as they walk the dark streets of Oslo. Even appreciates his efforts, but is still feeling so detached from him. He’s starting to wonder if he could ask Isak to sleep in his own apartment tonight.

Just as he’s getting ready to ask, as he’s taking a breath to see if the words will fit in his mouth, Isak puts his arm out and stops him in his tracks. Isak turns to him, gathers him in his arms, pulls him in tight and just keeps him here.

Even is almost on the verge of tears at this gesture, and slowly, very slowly, he loses the tension in his body until he melts into Isak’s embrace.

After what seems like a small eternity he puts his own arms around Isak and clings to him. He buries his head in Isak’s neck, breathes in his warmth and the smell of him that’s for once not tinged with weed or alcohol, just pure Isak. And he can slowly feel himself settle again. Can feel how being close to Isak like this, receiving affection freely given by him for once, is calming his churning stomach and mind.

“You looked like you needed a hug,” Isak whispers into his ear and Even clenches his eyes shut and his fists in Isak’s jacket.

Sometimes it feels like he can never get close enough to this man. It’s somehow never enough.

\--||--

The awkwardness creeps in between them again as they’re lying side by side in Even’s bed. It’s completely quiet, too early for Oslo to be awake yet, but they’re not sleeping. They’re just lying there, waiting for something that neither of them seems to understand.

Even has so much he wants to say to Isak, so many words pressing on him, but they’re a muddled mess inside of him and he can’t make sense of them. He doesn’t know where to start, doesn’t know the right way to talk to Isak about his doubts and his fears.

Doesn’t know how he can without making Isak run for it again.

He’s so scared of losing Isak, so scared of Isak hurting him like that again, that ironically he’s pushing him away.

It’s almost like a shock to his system when Isak breaks the silence.

“Even, what’s wrong?” he whispers into the darkness.

Even swallows thickly, knows that this is his chance to speak, but the words just can’t find a way to leave his mouth.

Isak turns to his side to get closer to Even and Even closes his eyes to it. He can’t stand being on display right now.

“Even, you know you can tell me anything,” Isak says and he sounds like he actually means it and Even can’t stop the surprisingly angry huff that leaves him at that.

He can feel Isak shift beside him, like he’s ready to question Even’s response to that statement, but Even really can’t get into _that_ right now, so when Isak starts to ask him, “What’s…“ Even interrupts him by saying, “I want you to meet my parents.”

His voice is way too loud for how small the space between them is, but he has to say it like that, has to force the words over his lips or they’ll never come out.

“Oh,” Isak says and Even can hear him swallow besides him.

The silence stretches between them and Even feels like he’s lying on pins and needles, can hardly stand being still like this anymore.

“Is that what this is about?” Isak asks and reaches out so the tips of his fingers brush against Even’s arm.    

“Yes.” _No._

“I would love to meet them, Even,” Isak says in a low earnest voice and scoots closer to Even.

Even turns his head to him, he has to see what Isak’s face looks like even if it’s almost too dark.

“Yeah?” he asks and he hates how weak his voice sounds.

“Yeah, absolutely,” Isak says back and Even can hear the smile in his voice.

“You don’t really talk much about them,” Isak says and something inside Even’s chest unclenches.

He takes a deep breath and starts talking, and the more he talks the more he feels like himself. Isak inches closer to him while he asks questions until he’s lying on Even’s chest again, his spot where he belongs and Even has one hand buried in his hair.

He tells Isak how his parents have always been there for him, how they’re a big part of his life. How they supported him when he needed to move out and keep supporting him. And all his nerves about telling Isak this, how Isak would react to hearing how good his relationship with his parents is, are put to shame. Isak sounds like he’s genuinely happy for Even, that he’s excited to meet them.

And Even feels like he can breathe again.

They fall asleep like that, even though Even knows that he’ll wake up with a numb arm. It’s totally worth it though, to be this close to Isak again. He’s so grateful for Isak’s trust and attention that a numb arm seems like a small sacrifice.  

\--||--

The next morning Even is the first one to wake up. He blinks awake gradually, has always been slow to rise. He turns his head to see the time and realises that he needs to get up to take his meds.

He’s only gone from the bed for a short while, but when he gets back to the bedroom Isak is sitting up and staring intently at his phone like it’s somehow wronged him. The moment he notices Even he turns it off like Even has somehow caught him doing something he shouldn’t.

“Who are you texting?” Even asks as he climbs back into bed.

Isak’s cheeks are red and he looks guilty, but he shrugs and plays it off with a stupid excuse of just checking his phone for time.

Even frowns, can clearly see that Isak isn’t telling the truth. He’s really bad at lying generally, but Even can’t figure out whether to push Isak.

And he hates this. Hates this insecurity that always comes with dealing with Isak. It’s clear that he’s doing something right, because Isak is showing him that he trusts him, and is slowly opening up to him.

Even is just worried. If he’s even right for Isak when Isak is having these kind of problems. He doesn’t feel like he’s enough.

But he decides that he needs to get over these insecurities, just take it one small step at a time. So he tilts his head and smiles at Isak and decides to go with the cute approach.

“Isak. What’s really going on?”

Isak deflates in front of him. His shoulders slump and he kind of folds into himself. He looks adorable like that, messy hair and small eyes, looking so sleep soft and cute and Even wants to lean over to kiss him.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about,” Isak says, but he doesn’t say it in a mean way, he says it like he really means that it’s something he should handle himself.

“Isak…” Even pushes, scoots in closer to him and puts his hand on his leg.

“It’s just an old friend of mine. I’ll tell you more when I’m ready, okay?” Isak says looking at Even through his eyelashes, and it’s a good look on him. It’s a real good look on him.

Isak telling him that calms his nerves and he decides to push his doubts away for now.

“Okay. I trust you,” Even says, just to see how that affects Isak, but he doesn’t seem shocked by it. Just smiles at Even and leans in to kiss him.

And before Even knows it he’s looking down at Isak’s lips wrapped around his dick and that’s an even better look on him. That Cupid’s bow spread out by him like that gets to him every time, and he can’t help but grab onto Isak’s hair to pull him further onto his dick.

Isak takes him, takes all of him, like he always does. No complaining, no hesitation. He just goes where Even directs him. They haven’t had sex in a few days now, which is unusual for them, and suddenly Even is feeling desperate for Isak, is feeling desperate to feel him closer.

He pulls him off and Isak’s lips are deliciously swollen when he looks up at him confused, but Even whispers a “Come up here,” to him and Isak comes willingly. When Isak kisses him Even can taste himself on his lips, in his mouth, and it makes his gut explode with want.

He’s suddenly feeling frantic, craves the intimacy, wants to feel the connection between them, and he pulls Isak down on top of him and spreads his legs for him.

He breathes into Isak’s mouth and says in a tone of voice that he knows will get Isak going as well, “I need you inside of me.”

“Yeah, shit,” Isak pants into his mouth and grinds his hard-on into Even’s hip.

Isak leaves him only for the time it takes to get the lube and a condom and Even impatiently waits for him to get his fingers wet.

“It won’t take much,” Even says on a sigh as Isak starts circling his rim with his slick fingers.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Isak whispers back, intently looking at his face for signs of displeasure as he pushes two fingers into Even in one go.

It’s a tight fit and it burns, but it burns in the best of ways. Even loves this. Loves how Isak trusts him to say when something’s too much and when something’s just right. He doesn’t treat him like he’s breakable, and the way that he trusts him makes Even feel even more frantic and desperate.

Even’s always been made to feel breakable by others. He’s always the one people take care of, make exceptions for. It was the main reason why Sonja and him broke up, she always handled him with care, always afraid that he might blow up any second. And she didn’t do him any favours with it. She always managed to make him feel not normal. Like he really _is_ his disease instead of his disease being just a part of him. Isak doesn’t do that. And he hasn’t changed since he learned that Even is bipolar.

For some reason that just gets Even going every single time. Every rough shove, every too hard push just adds to his pleasure, makes him spiral a bit so he gets lost in his head. And makes him forget what his reality is like.

He’s flushing all over, just wants Isak inside of him, and he spreads his legs more to give Isak room to push his fingers in further, to make Isak see that he’s really not hurting him.

He’s barely stretched him, has barely even begun fingering him before Even says, “Come on,” and he’s already a mess. He’s always like this for Isak, loses control of himself so quickly, but Isak is always there to pick up the pieces.

Isak gets off him to put on a condom and Even closes his eyes for a second to get his body to cooperate again. He’s sweating and shaking already and Isak has barely touched him.

He needs to get hold of himself, although he needs the intimacy, he also needs to not lose himself completely in this, so while Isak is busy with the condom he turns over. He gets comfortable on the bed, lying on his stomach.

If Isak is surprised by the change in position he doesn’t let Even know, just rolls with it, walks up the bed on his knees and pushes Even’s legs apart with the movement. Even puts his arms under the pillow under his head like it can tether him in some way. Isak puts his large hand on Even’s ass cheek and pulls at it a bit, enough that Even’s hole lies exposed to him.

“You don’t even know how good you look like this,” Isak says in a low voice that pushes a drop of precum out of Even.

He buries his head in the pillow and keens when Isak casually pushes his fingers back into Even, just to test how loose he is, whether he’s ready for Isak’s dick. Even arches his back into it, makes Isak see that he’s as ready as he’ll ever be.

“Jesus, okay,” Isak breathes out, clearly getting affected by the level of desperation that Even is showing.  

Isak settles on top of him, and he shifts his hips in such a way that he’s lined up with Even’s hole. Isak’s dick catches on his rim deliberately a few times and it makes Even sweat and clench his fists against how bad he wants it. It’s like Isak always knows how to push his buttons and this time is no different.

He’s whining at Isak, at how he teases him, and finally Isak pushes into him in one long thrust. It pushes the air out of Even’s lungs to feel Isak make room inside of him like that. He’s so confident that Even has space inside for him, and Even always does.

There’s a definite burn and it’s just on the wrong side of too much when Isak is buried to the hilt in him and he shifts his body to put his weight down on Even. Even hisses through his teeth, doesn’t normally like to show Isak if he’s hurting him, because he usually craves it and can handle it, but this is too much. There’s too much happening inside his body at once and Isak is pushing him too far this time.

Isak puts his arms around him, kisses him softly on his shoulders and neck and cheeks, and it’s such a juxtaposition, how Isak’s dick is hurting his insides while his lips are soothing him, that Even feels like he’s vibrating out of his skin.

“I….” Even starts but he can’t continue, doesn’t even really know what he’s starting to say.

Isak shushes him, seems to sense that he’s off and simply puts his arms around Even, under him all the way so his hands are holding on to his shoulders.

“Do you want me to pull out?” Isak whispers, and he sounds concerned, comforting, and it’s everything.

Isak just knows how to handle Even when he’s like this. Even feels like something settles inside of him, some agitation that has made his skin crawl and his mind churn but is now quieting.

“Isak…” Even breathes and he doesn’t know if it’s to tell him to move or to tether him to reality.

Luckily, Isak manages to do both somehow.

He shifts his hips just barely, just enough for him to move inside of Even and even that small movement is enough to make Even bury his head further into the pillow. Isak keeps moving slowly, keeps a tight grip on him, keeps kissing him where he can reach and it makes Even feel.

Like maybe he could be everything to Isak too.

“Tell me that this is more. Tell me that I’m more,” he manages to get out between moans, and he can hear that the words are wrong as they leave his mouth, can tell that they don’t really make as much sense outside of him as they did on the inside.

“Even…” Isak gasps and he stops on top of him and stays there, panting and hovering over Even.

Even has to close his eyes at it, can’t really stand having to deal with what he just said, deal with what Isak’s response to it will be.

He never meant for it to be so raw, so vulnerable. Now is really not the time or the place for such things. With Isak’s dick buried in his ass, lighting up all his nerves and starting to make him feel so good.

Isak rests his forehead on Even’s neck, like it’s hard for him too, and then he whispers, “You must know that you’re the world to me.”

And Even can’t. He just can’t. It’s too much. There are too many emotions inside his body and he’s too close to crying just to have some kind of outlet for it.

He wants to give in to it, but instead he turns his head enough that he can coax Isak up to kiss him and the angle is wrong and the kiss is too wet and sloppy, but it’s so right.

“Fuck me, please just… fuck me,” Even pants against Isak’s lips. He wants to feel it all, he wants to have all Isak can give him.

So Isak does. He uses the power he has in his body to bury himself deep inside of Even, over and over again, their skin sliding against each other. There’s no room for Even to reach for his own dick, and it’s being gently rubbed against the bed with every thrust. And it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, but it’s what he’s given.

He stays there, enjoys how Isak’s dick lights him up, makes his skin tingle and his toes curl. Makes him become much louder than he normally is.

Isak shifts his hips minutely, looking for his prostate and when he finally hits it, Even almost swallows his tongue. Isak must sense it on him because he doesn’t let up, keeps stabbing into it with surgical precision, keeps rubbing it with his fat dick and it’s so much.

The feeling is so delicate but also so massive that it’s hard to distract from it. His balls are tightening under him and it’s almost painful having his prostate rubbed like that, but it’s the _good_ kind of painful. Like his body likes it, but is confused about why.

Isak keeps going, keeps drilling his dick into him, keeps pushing him closer and closer to the precipice. Even is shaking and moaning and panting, and he rubs his head into the pillow, just to feel something else against his skin than Isak.

The pleasure is too much. It’s so much that he’s almost not sure if he hasn’t started coming yet. If he could only get a hand on his dick, he would come immediately.  Isak pushes and pushes, stabs into him and the sounds of his skin slapping against Even’s are obscene and make goosebumps break out all over him.

With one last shove inside, Even is finally pushed enough that he gives in to it.

Without even touching himself once, he starts to come on a silent scream. The orgasm rushes through him, starts in his balls, concentrates on his dick and prostate, and then just shoots out from there into every crevice of his body. It fills him up, makes him unable to feel or sense anything else. Just this, all this pleasure that there’s barely room for in his body.

And Isak just patiently works him through it, keeps pushing into him, rubs his prostate with his dick and Even can hardly stand it anymore. The pleasure washes over him, like waves constantly replaced by new ones, and it just doesn’t let up.

When it finally start to subside, Isak stops moving and just clings to Even. Even is a shaking mess under him, he can’t catch his breath and every muscle in his body hurts from being clenched so hard and his balls and dick pulses under him in a way he’s not sure he actually enjoys.

Coming untouched is a very surreal experience. One he’s not entirely convinced at this point that he really enjoys like he expected to. Instead it’s making him feel raw and inside out. Like his body is way past control, like he’s useless inside of it. It’s good, but almost too much at once.

Isak shifts on top of him so he can kiss Even’s cheek and the way that makes his dick rub against Even’s insides is now painful instead of pleasurable.

“You need to pull out, I can’t…” Even says and even his voice sounds strange, raw and hoarse, and not really like his own.      

Isak shushes him, keeps kissing him and holding him, while he gently, so, so gently pulls out. It’s still too much, he doesn’t want Isak inside of him anymore, but he doesn’t want him to pull out either. He grits his teeth against it and can’t help whimpering a bit, when the drag of Isak’s dick against his walls gets too much, when the tip of his dick catches on Even’s rim.

When Isak is finally all the way out, he lies down next to him on his side still so close that they’re touching where they can. Isak is rubbing him with his hand, soothing circles down his back and he’s resting his chin on Even’s shoulder, patiently waiting for Even to be coherent enough to turn his head to look at him.

Even feels like hiding a bit more. Can’t really face Isak or the world, just wants to lie here, regaining his strength and control over his body. He lies as still as he can, with his body still plagued by tremors, and keeps his head buried in the pillow. He’s not feeling right in his body, still completely overwhelmed and almost numb about it now. Like his body is shutting down after feeling too much for too long.  

“Are you okay, baby? Did I hurt you?” Isak whispers besides him with a broken voice and he sounds so fucking concerned that it somehow pulls Even out of his head.

Using the last of his strength he turns his head to Isak, looks at him through wet eyes and Isak must not like what he finds there, because he makes a comforting sound and moves even closer. Wraps Even up completely with his legs and his arms. And Even needs that. Needs Isak to tether him to reality, like he’s the only one who can.

“I’m sorry,” Even whispers and again he hates how vulnerable he sounds. He doesn’t really mean to, he just can’t keep it in.

Isak shushes him and whispers back, “No, baby. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Even can’t look at him anymore. He has _everything_ to be sorry for.

Isak lets him bury his face in the pillow again, but keeps him in his grip, grounding him. Isak lays there for a long time, just stroking him, helping Even calm down and in the end he’s so relaxed that he just gives into it and slips back into slumber.

\--||--

Later that night he’s still feeling off. Still feeling raw and vulnerable, and he knows he’s being too quiet and stuck in his head, because Isak keeps giving him these concerned glances. But Isak doesn’t ask. Is seemingly waiting for Even to be the one to tell him what’s wrong.

Even looks and notices things about Isak that he hasn’t seen before. Like how much better he looks, how the bags under his eyes are gone and his skin is almost glowing. He looks fuller and healthier. And Even can’t help but feel left behind. He can see how good an influence he’s been on Isak, but he’s not sure that Isak has really been a good influence on him. He just doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to do about these feelings.

He looks and sees that during that evening Isak gets two more messages on his phone. He looks and sees Isak swiping them away without replying, and he can’t imagine that Isak would really do that to any of his friends. He doesn’t know what to do about how that makes him feel either.

And even later that night Even is lying in bed next to a sleeping Isak. He focuses on Isak’s breathing, hearing how alive and peaceful he sounds, and Even almost can’t stand it. How it seems like Isak has taken all the calm from him and left him a chaotic mess instead.

But it’s really his own fault. Even never told Isak that he was taking too much, and somehow that makes Even’s mind still.

\--||--

The next morning Even is awake before Isak. He lies there and can’t help but look at Isak and feel everything all at once. And he knows that his mind was lost in melancholy last night, but it seems like that’s a million miles away now that the sun is shining outside his window and Isak is lying there in his bed looking completely irresistible.

The duvet has slipped down to Isak’s hips, exposing his torso, and he has one arm over his head. Even wants to eat him up, he looks so delicious lying there, lost to his dreams.

Even can feel his dick stir and he knows he shouldn’t be so affected just by looking at Isak sleeping. He knows it’s creepy, but he still rolls over and pushes the duvet down further, exposing Isak’s soft dick and strong thighs to the cold air in the room.

Even watches, fascinated, as goosebumps start to break out over Isak’s skin and he can’t help but follow them by running the tips of his fingers down Isak’s v-line by his hips and further down his thighs.

He really loves Isak’s thighs. He loves how strong he is, even though he seems so breakable at times. He notices how all his home-cooked meals have made Isak fill out a bit, has made his ribs less prominent and his stomach more defined. And he really likes it. He loves seeing the physical results from his care and he’s flooded with relief that even if he’s worth nothing he’s at least adept in making Isak feel better. And that’s something. That’s definitely something.

He keeps touching, completely fascinated by the smoothness of Isak’s skin, the roughness of the hairs on his legs, and the softness of the skin on his inner thighs. He leans in to lick over one of Isak’s nipples and he revels in how quickly it pebbles up to become hard. He licks the skin around the nipple, loving how Isak tastes under him, revels in being able to do this.

He starts licking lower, kisses the dips in Isak’s abs that clenches from the touch of his lips. Kisses and licks at the v-line and Isak starts stirring. Even keeps licking, licks at where hip turns to thigh and Isak must be ticklish there because he shifts under him and Even can feel him waking up.

Even is only a centimetre from Isak’s now hard dick when he stops and looks up to see Isak looking back at him. He looks so sleep soft and cute, just lying there, seemingly content with just looking at Even and Even can’t wait to make him feel good.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Even says and he can hear that his voice is much too loud for the stillness of the morning, but Isak doesn’t seem deterred by it.

He contentedly hums and shifts his hips a bit so his dick touches Even’s cheek. And Even can’t stop the laugh that escapes him at that, and he sees his joy reflected in Isak’s responding smile as well.

“You want me to blow you?” Even whispers, making sure that his words can be felt against Isak’s dick.

Isak hums back, and Even wants to hear his voice all breathless and rough and turned on, but he guesses it’s too early in the morning for Isak to speak.

“You want me to lick you and make you wet and make you come in my mouth?” Even asks and Isak shifts his hips at that again, makes his dick nudge against him impatiently.

“You want me to make you feel real good, baby?” he asks and flicks out his tongue over Isak’s tip, making it twitch and Isak moan.

And _that_ makes Even feel like the king of the world.

It’s suddenly not enough just to taste him, to get his cum in his mouth. He wants more. So he crawls up Isak’s body, traps him in his arms and makes room between Isak’s thighs. He starts kissing Isak right away, makes it dirty and desperate from the get go, makes Isak feel just how much he’s affecting him. And Isak lets him.

He takes everything that Even gives him, even as Even starts grinding down into him.

They haven’t really done this, Even hasn’t really taken control like this with Isak, it’s always been the other way around. Even can feel that Isak is a bit hesitant, but he’s sure that he can make him return his desperation with a few more grinds, so he continues as if he can’t feel it. Isak pulls back from the kiss a bit but Even just continues kissing down his jaw and his neck until he reaches the junction where neck turns into shoulder and he stops there to suck a hickey into Isak’s skin.

“Even…” he sighs and Even takes that as a sign to continue.

He keeps kissing over Isak’s shoulder, getting closer to the bedside table where he grabs the lube and a condom. He leans back on his knees, freeing both arms, and immediately pops the cap of the lube.

It’s not until his fingers are wet from it that he looks down at Isak and he’s so goddamn beautiful. But the way he’s looking at Even is new, it’s contemplative and hesitant, and Even hasn’t realised that he’s not really checked in with Isak about this.

“Is this okay?” he asks and he’s suddenly nervous what Isak’s answer is going to be. He doesn’t want to stop. He really doesn’t want to stop.

Isak looks at him for a few long seconds, and he looks almost _nervous_ if Even had to put a name to the feeling he gets from Isak. He really doesn’t want him to be, but his tongue is busy licking his lips and his dick is hurting between his legs and he can’t think of a single placating thing to say.

Finally Isak nods, almost imperceptibly, and Even flushes at that, can feel his body heat up from knowing what he’s just been allowed to do.

He pushes Isak’s leg up to his chest and puts his hand on his thigh to keep him there. And seeing Isak like this is new and so exciting. He kisses at Isak’s ankle and starts rubbing his fingers against Isak’s crack, getting it wet, making Isak relax a bit. He starts focusing on Isak’s hole, makes small circles around it, like Isak usually does with him, while staring at Isak, trying to commit every second of this to memory as he slides the first finger in.

The heat and the tightness he meets there make him clench his teeth. Isak feels so good around his fingers, he just wants more, he wants it all.

He’s had a finger in Isak’s ass before, but never to open him up, just to make a blowjob feel like more, so he’s not really sure of what he’s doing. But he tries to mimic the things that Isak does that make him feel good, and as he starts fucking his finger in and out of Isak he’s met with low moans and sighs. So he figures he must be doing something right.

He adds the second finger and he can feel Isak tense up a bit from it. He starts stroking his legs, trying to make it soothing when in fact he just really wants to fuck Isak by now. He wants it fast and rough, just like he likes it.

He starts slowly thrusting into Isak as soon as it feels like he’s relaxing. Even’s dick is standing proud between his legs, pulsing to the rhythm of his fingers inside of Isak, and he ups the pace.

Deciding that he can’t wait any longer, he slips his fingers out of Isak and reaches for the condom. He struggles with it, fingers wet with lube, but he manages to put it on in the end.

He can feel himself shaking with anticipation. It’s been so long since he’s had his dick in anybody, and suddenly he’s feeling desperate for it. For the promise of feeling warm walls around him, feeling the clench of pleasure. He just wants to be inside of Isak now.

He pours more lube over his dick and then gets down on top of Isak. He puts his weight on one arm and uses the other to guide his dick to Isak’s hole.

He can’t believe how fast this is going. It feels like he only woke up a short while ago, and here he is close to fucking his boyfriend. It’s enough to make his head spin so he leans down to kiss Isak and immediately makes it a good one, full of tongue and lips, just to show Isak how happy he is about this. How fucking good he’s going to make him feel.

He starts to push in and he has his eyes closed from how good it feels, and he can feel Isak hitch his legs up higher around him as he takes a deep breath. He knows he should probably be looking at Isak, he really wants to, he wants to catalogue how exactly having a dick in him changes him, but he can’t. He’s in pleasure heaven, everything just feels so good. He keeps on pushing in, works through the tight clench of Isak’s ass and he’s already panting from it.

As if it’s happening far away he hears Isak whimper under him and it finally gets through to him that that sound isn’t one of pleasure. So he opens his eyes at the same time that Isak puts a strong hand on his hip to stop his movement.

“Just… just stop for a second,” Isak breathes out and he sounds like he’s uncomfortable.

Even looks at him and sees that Isak isn’t flushed, isn’t really panting or sweating. He’s shaking and breathing hard and his face is drawn into a grimace that Even hasn’t ever seen on him before. His eyes are closed and Even desperately wants him to open them, he wants to see what the hell is going on.

“Do you want me to stop?” Even manages to pant, and if he wasn’t looking so closely, he never would have seen that this is what makes Isak flush.

Like he’s _embarrassed_ by it.

He still won’t look at Even, but he shakes his head. Even wants to ask him if he’s sure, but one thing he’s always appreciated about Isak is the way he trusts Even to say no if there’s something he doesn’t want, so he extends the courtesy to Isak. Although it really doesn’t look like he’s into this, Even has to believe that Isak would tell him if he didn’t want to do this.

So he continues. Presses in more carefully now, but presses in all the same. He hasn’t really bottomed out, there’s still a couple of centimetres to go before he’s fully in, but he can feel Isak tighten around him and he’s still lying there with his eyes closed.

Even looks down between them and sees that Isak is all soft, just lying against his stomach and all the air rushes out of Even. It all makes sense to him now.

“Isak,” he says in a hurt tone of voice. But Isak shakes his head, turns it to the side as if to hide himself more from Even and Even hates that this is his reaction.

He leans down to kiss him, keeps his lips on his cheek while he slowly pulls out of him and being so close he hears all of the pained sounds that spill out of Isak from him pulling out. Like he just can’t stop them from pouring out of him.

He feels like the biggest motherfucking idiot ever. He can’t believe he could do this, could disregard Isak like this just because he’s horny.  

“I’m so sorry,” Isak whispers into the pillow and Even wants to cry.

“No, baby. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I’m such a horrible excuse for a human.”

And he means it with every fibre of his being. He knows that he’s a piece of shit, that he has no real place in this world. But Isak has been the only one who’s really made him feel like he somehow belonged and he just hurt him like he didn’t even really matter.

He feels horrible.

So he rolls down from Isak and lays on his side next to him. And in a perfect mirrored position of yesterday he’s the one who clings to Isak with his arms and legs, pulls him as close as he can, and just holds him there.

“I normally only let people do that to me when I’m wasted,” Isak whispers against Even’s skin and Even has to close his eyes against the onslaught of emotions that runs through him at that statement.

He hates this. He hates this with every cell in his body. How somebody obviously broke Isak, made him feel like there’s things he can’t do, not without being numb. Made him feel like he should apologise for not being able to do them.

Even suddenly has so much anger inside of him, he wants to lash out, wants to fight someone, but the only one here is Isak, and he doesn’t deserve anything like that right now.

So instead he breathes through it and tightens his grip on Isak.

“You’re angry with me,” Isak says in a low voice, so low that Even almost doesn’t catch it.

And Even flushes with embarrassment. He just can’t seem to do anything right.

“No. No, Isak. I’m angry at the world for making you feel like you need to apologise to me that you don’t feel like you can go through with this.”

He pulls away from Isak, scoots down the bed a bit so he can see him, but Isak won’t look at him, buries his head in the pillow further, his eyes closed.

“I could never be angry with you for something like this. This isn’t your fault,” Even says, and Isak opens his eyes enough to be able to look at him.

Encouraged, Even continues, “But I’m angry at the world for making you feel like it somehow is.”

The way Isak looks at him, surprised and lost, makes Even’s heart beat faster and his stomach drop and he just wishes he would’ve had the courage back at Nissen to actually have talked to Isak. Maybe if he had known Isak then, it wouldn’t be this bad.

He sometimes can’t stand himself. How him being a coward not only affects him, but also all the people he loves.

\--||--

The more he thinks about it the more this experience makes some things very clear to him.

One, that Isak really doesn’t know how to put his foot down when Even is violating his limits. That’s a real hard lesson to learn and one he wishes he had known ages ago. It makes him feel unsure about himself, wondering if he’s done anything like that to Isak in the past without even knowing it.

Second, although Isak understands that it’s important for Even not to be treated like he’s fragile, that when he tells Isak that he can handle it a little rough, Isak accepts it as the truth. But it seems like it’s the other way around for Isak. That although he may seem rough and like it rough, he doesn’t really like to be treated roughly. And Even needs in turn to understand and respect that Isak apparently does feel fragile.

He realises that his desire to pamper him and be soft with him intensifies at that revelation and they spend most of the rest of the weekend cuddling and kissing and holding each other.

It’s a bit hard for Even though. He still feels unsettled in his skin, like he’s vibrating in his body.

But he stays with Isak. Moulds himself around him on the couch as they watch TV and they barely talk. It’s so clear that Isak still feels bad about what happened, but no matter what Even tells him it’s like he won’t accept it. Like he has his own version of the truth inside his head and he’s sticking to it.

Even gets that. He really does. He’s been on the other side of that notion too many times to count.

Even only gets up to go to the bathroom and to make them dinner. They eat in front of the TV, which they almost never do, but it’s hard to carry a full conversation between them. They’re both too stuck in their heads for that.

When Isak is done and puts his plate on the table he quietly asks Even, “Do you still want me to meet your parents?”

Even looks at him in surprise. They haven’t really talked about it since that first time and he was sure that Isak was trying to avoid going. For Isak to bring it up now he must really feel insecure with Even.

“You still want to?” Even asks carefully.

Isak shrugs and glances at Even out of the corner of his eye and it’s so clear that he really means yes.

So Even immediately puts down his plate and pulls his phone from his pocket. He messages his mom and reads it aloud while he’s writing:

“Hi mom, do you want Isak and me to come to dinner on Friday?” he asks and looks at Isak before he sends it, “Is Friday alright with you?”

And Isak bites his lip like he’s hiding a smile, but he looks so pleased when he nods at Even. And this is such a small thing to do that Even didn’t even realise that Isak apparently really wanted this much.

He presses send, smiles at Isak and revels in the small blush that adorns his cheekbones.

It only takes his mom a moment to answer and it’s a series of emojis and exclamation marks that clearly indicate how excited she is to finally meet Isak. Instead of reading it out loud he just turns his phone so Isak can see it for himself.

And it settles something inside Even to see how happy Isak looks at that small gesture. It makes him realise that Isak is really into this. Into him. If he’s so happy about meeting his parents, maybe he isn’t that averse to moving their relationship forward. Maybe they really aren’t as far apart as Even was beginning to suspect.

When they finally go to bed Isak settles on his chest where he can hear Even’s heartbeat and Even lets him. He feels closer to Isak than he has in a very long time. And that thought would normally lull him right to sleep, but he lies awake for a long time just listening to Isak sleep and watching the shadows slowly move against the walls.

\--||--

The next week is a really busy one for Even. He has a few big assignments at uni that he should have been working on for the last month, which he hasn’t as much as he should, and he’s having such a hard time concentrating.

It doesn’t help that the promise to visit Even’s parents has somehow lit a new fire under their libidos and they can’t stop having sex.

Even kind of thinks it’s ridiculous that they both seem to have a commitment kink and that the idea of meeting the parents makes them horny for each other. But it’s not like he’s complaining. He always wants to have sex with Isak, even if it means he’s constantly sore and feels delicate in certain areas.

On top of that he has a long shift at Kaffebrenneriet on Wednesday, even though he knows it might be stretching it a bit thin. But he promised his boss and she’s normally so nice and understanding that it just doesn’t sit right with him to cancel.

He spends every break at work working on his assignments and ends up staying after his shift has ended to work on them some more in peace and quiet. It’s so hard to get things done when Isak is at his place at the moment.

Every time Even sees him he can’t help but think about how Isak’s dick feels in his hands, in his throat, in his ass, and just like that he can’t concentrate on any kind of fucking assignment anymore. He just wants Isak, wants to touch him all the time. And from the way Isak looks at him it’s clear that he’s feeling the same way.

All this stress makes it hard for him to have time to cook meals, and even though Isak tries, it’s hard for Even to sit still long enough to eat much when he has so much to do. And he ends up studying way too far into the night when he should be sleeping.

It’s fine though. He just needs this week over with. He’s handing in his assignments on Friday afternoon, before they go to his parents’ house and he fucking can’t wait. Sometimes uni is just really hard.

He knows he should take his sleeping schedule serious. But he just doesn’t have time to sit down and really let himself feel concerned about it. He feels fine. He feels like he should be able to do it all, as long as he keeps himself on track.

Friday afternoon finds them sitting side by side on the tram going to his parents. Even isn’t quite as exhausted as he should be, as Isak’s sitting there next to him looking deliciously nervous. He’s even put on his good pants and a shirt and Even wants to eat him up. He’s so cute like this.

Even can’t help but put a hand on his thigh a bit too far up for it to be really appropriate and he almost has a laughing fit when Isak looks at him all flustered and tries to push Even’s hand away.

“Even!” he says and sounds so scandalized that Even can’t help but laugh even more and lean in to kiss his cheek.

He knows that he shouldn’t. It’s rush hour and the tram is too full for him to be touching Isak like this, but he just can’t help but enjoy Isak’s reaction. And he looks so much less nervous now. Just like that. From a single touch from Even.

Even feels on top of the world.

Isak’s nerves are back in full effect once they’re finally there. They’re standing outside and Isak is almost shaking with it, and Even wants to laugh at him, but he knows that that’s the completely wrong approach. Instead he takes his hand in his, makes sure that he catches his eye, and then nods towards the front door.

“Are you ready?” he asks.

Isak looks at him for a few long seconds, then takes a deep breath and nods at Even.

Even can’t get over how brave his boyfriend is. He’ll never be over it.

He rings the doorbell and the door opens almost immediately. Like his mom was waiting for them right there on the other side. Which she probably was.

She takes one look at them, notices their hands, and she just lights up. Even feels so grateful for her, that she makes it so easy for him, for them.

“Mom, this is Isak. My boyfriend,” he says and he knows that he sounds so very proud as he says it.

His mother’s smile turns fond and she turns to Isak.

They shake hands, introduce each other, and then she ushers them inside.

As they’re taking off their coats and jackets she doesn’t stop talking to Isak. She starts off with a _Even talks about you all the time, but he never told me how handsome you are_ and Isak looks surprised at Even, who just smiles back at him.  And from there they’re ushered into the kitchen where Even’s dad is making dinner and Isak is introduced to him as well.

Even can’t help feeling proud about Isak. His beautiful boyfriend, who’s brave enough to come here and meet his parents. Who’s charming the pants off them and seems so genuinely kind and polite that he can see his parents melt from it.

Even feels more settled than he has in days, even if there’s this constant rush of energy running through him.

They settle down around the dinner table to eat and his dad and Isak start talking about solar eclipses. Even is contemplating whether he should save Isak, because his dad can go on and on about these things for days if someone lets him, but to his surprise Isak seems really interested and keeps asking questions. It’s so obvious that his dad is eating it up, and the best part is that Isak doesn’t seem to be doing it to suck up to him, he seems like he really wants to know about it.

Even knows he’s staring. But Isak talking to his dad like that is such a nice picture. It feels domestic in the best of ways and it makes his heart beat faster. He glances at his mom and notices her looking at him with a smile on her lips.

He’s sitting next to her with Isak opposite of him and their feet are crossed like they can’t stand to not be touching. Even’s mom takes his hand in hers and squeezes it.

“He’s really nice,” she leans in to whisper to him.

He smiles at her, knows that she would never say such things to him if she didn’t mean it.

He can’t help but look back at Isak, it’s like his eyes never wander far from him. He can feel her staring at him, probably looking for signs of how he is and he’s not sure that she’s going to like what she sees.

“How are you, Noodle?” she asks and her voice is low, like she’s careful it won’t carry.

He turns his attention to her and takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes for a few seconds to ground himself. He always takes her serious when she asks him. That question has nipped quite a few episodes in the bud so he’s always careful to answer.

As soon as he closes his eyes he can feel his mind race and his body vibrate, his thoughts flying, and he realises with a sinking feeling that this isn’t good. He opens his eyes and looks at her and just from that he can see that she’s come to the same conclusion.

Her voice turns serious as she starts asking him her questions, _Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you staying away from stressful situations?_ She has a list of them and when he says no to most of them it’s clear that she’s starting to get really worried.

“Do I need to call the doctor or can we take care of it ourselves?” she asks and she’s not worried about her voice carrying anymore. The entire table has fallen quiet and he can feel Isak’s gaze upon him.

“I think we can handle it ourselves. I just need rest and quiet,” he says and means it.  

She nods at him and gives him a reassuring smile. Then she turns to Isak.

“Okay, you know what to do. I’m going to give you pills for three days, that’s normally enough, and then you need to help him limit his interactions and how stimulated he becomes.”

Isak looks like he’s caught in a cross fire. He looks between Even’s mom and Even with large, wide eyes and it’s clear that he doesn’t have a clue what she’s talking about.

She looks disappointedly at Even and sighs, clearly put-upon.

“We’re going to talk about how Isak doesn’t know any of this later, but right now I need you to come with me, Isak. I’ll walk you through it.”

And she gets up and clearly expects Isak to follow, which he does slowly, looking confused at Even.

This was not how Even planned for Isak to find out. He always knew that he would have to tell him eventually, let him be a part of his safety net for when his bipolar threatens to overtake him.

He looks at his dad who smiles comfortingly at him.

“It’ll be alright, Even,” he says, reaching over the table for Even’s hand, and Even is so, so grateful for his parents.

It’s only a few more minutes before Isak and his mom come back and she starts clearing the table. Even gets up, he’s ready to leave and he looks at Isak briefly just to gauge his reaction to this. But Isak isn’t looking at him and he’s put on his poker face so it’s impossible for Even to know.

The ride home on the tram is painfully quiet. Even feels so restless that he can’t stop his legs from jumping and Isak won’t look at him. He keeps staring out the window and it’s so fucking clear that he’s angry with him.

When they finally get home Isak goes into the kitchen while Even stays frozen to the spot in the hallway.

“I have your sleeping pills. Your mother was very specific about how you take them, so you should probably have one now,” he says in a loud voice so that Even will hear him.

Even doesn’t want him to be like this. He wants him close and he wants to cuddle him and he wants him to leave. He’s afraid of what he might do or might say to Isak. There’s so many things that he could say that would all be true, but would hurt them both if he did.

Even finally takes the few steps to the kitchen and finds Isak leaning on the kitchen table with his back to him.

“Isak…” Even tries pleadingly, he wants him to turn around and talk to him. Wants this over with, can’t stand Isak’s cold shoulder.

”Why didn’t you tell me that there were signs I should be looking for?” he asks and sounds so indignant about it. Like he’s wounded that Even didn’t tell him.

Even doesn’t want to answer, is afraid of what Isak will do if he knows the truth.

Isak turns around and looks at Even for the first time since he found out.

“Tell me,” he demands and now he sounds angry.

And that in turn sparks a bout of rage in Even, makes him raise his voice at him.

“Because the last time I needed something from you, you walked out on me and didn’t come back for 8 days.”

He’s almost out of breath from this admission and Isak looks like Even has hit him, and maybe he has. Not with a fist, but with his words. He’s never spoken to Isak like that before.

”I was so close to losing it when you left me like that. I can’t go through that again,” he whispers, can’t say it loudly, can’t put his vulnerabilities into the world that way.

“I told you I was sorry about that,” Isak says, like that erases everything that Even went through in those 8 days.

Even feels too restless for this conversation. There’s so much he should tell Isak, so much he shouldn’t, but his thoughts are all over the place and he just doesn’t know where to start.

He sighs and looks away from Isak. He’s so agitated that when Isak takes a step towards him he takes a step back.

“You should’ve told me,” Isak says, and there’s an underlying anger in his tone that makes Even’s hackles rise.

“That’s rich coming from you,” Even huffs.

Isak looks so surprised at this, actually looks at Even like he doesn’t understand where this is coming from.

“What, you don’t think I wonder what happened to you when you break down with my dick in your mouth after someone tried to choke you?” he says it like the words taste bad in his mouth, like he has to spit it out, and even though Isak takes a step back from him it doesn’t stop him.

“When people come up to me and ask me about you like I’m supposed to know who they are? Or when you get all these messages that you’re clearly hiding from me and fucking expect me to just pretend like I don’t fucking notice?”

His voice is growing louder and louder as he talks until he’s screaming the last part out.

He lowers his voice, but he’s deadly serious as he says, “I told you, I can’t be with you if you’re fucking other people.”

It’s not until it’s out that he understands just how much this has been bothering him. He can feel his insides clench in anger and despair, already struck by grief that now it’s out there he can’t take it back. That this might be it for them.

But instead of getting angry like Even expects him to, instead of getting defensive, Isak sighs and slumps in on himself. He looks so resigned and Even can see his hands shaking as he combs a hand through his hair. He isn’t even looking at Even, like he’s ashamed, and Even’s world falls apart.

“I’m sorry,” Isak says in a low voice, without any trace of fight in it. “You’re right.”

Even’s legs feel like they might give out any second. This is it. This is how it ends. With his own anger.

It’s too much for him to bear right now.

Isak glances at him, before he continues, “I should’ve talked to you about all those things, I want to.” He looks at Even with imploring eyes. “I want to tell you everything.”

To say that Even is surprised by this is an understatement. He’s absolutely floored. He’s still stuck on how it doesn’t sound like Isak is ready to leave him.

“Those texts?” Isak asks and takes out his phone from his pocket. He turns it on and finds his messaging app and gives the phone to Even to see for himself.

“They’re from my dad. He wants to meet up with me, he wants to… I don’t know. Start over, I guess?”

Even looks at the phone, notices a countless number of messages under the name “Dad” but he’s not really taking it in. He looks at Isak and he knows that he’s slack-mouthed and wide-eyed, but it’s impossible for him to understand what Isak is saying.

“I promise that I’ll answer any question you have, I promise,” Isak says and takes the phone out of his hand and moves even closer to Even.

“I’ll do whatever you want Even. I don’t want to fight with you.”

He looks at Even with large eyes and everything about him, the way his body is angled to Even, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes, feels like he’s approaching a predator.

“You want to be with me, even though I’m like this?” Even whispers, completely deflated now. There isn’t a trace of anger left in him, only an inkling of hope.

Isak finally takes the last steps towards Even, putting him within reach and Even desperately wants to put out his hands and pull Isak into him. But he can’t just yet.

“I don’t care, I want to be with you in any way you’ll have me,” Isak says but this time his tone of voice is tinged with a smile, like Isak is starting to feel hopeful as well.

“You can’t mean that, you don’t know how hard I am to be around when I’m like this.”

Even shakes his head, already knows that Isak can’t really mean what he’s saying. He doesn’t know yet. He can’t understand how this will change everything between them, like it did for him and Sonja.

Isak takes the last step forward and pulls Even into his arms. Even goes willingly, clenches his eyes shut and buries his head in the junction between Isak’s shoulder and neck.

“It's not hard being around you when you're like this, I just want you in any way you are. I really don't care Even. Just… stay with me, please. Just let me stay with you as you stayed with me, baby.”

It’s too much. The rush of emotions that run through him threatens to overtake him, threatens to knock him over. He isn’t sure that he’s hearing right. That Isak is talking to him like this. He doesn’t deserve it.

He clenches his fist in Isak’s shirt, totally torn between pushing Isak away to protect himself and pulling him in. He’s not sure that he would survive if Isak left him now.

He takes a deep breath and lets his tongue and lips form the words that he’s been meaning to say so many times it’s like they’re the only words that make sense to him right now.

“I fucking love you,” he whispers into Isak’s ear and he’s never been more sure about anything in his entire life.

Isak sobs against him and tightens his arms around him so much that Even can hardly breathe.

“I love you, Even. So much,” Isak whispers back against him.

And this is it. This is everything he’s ever wanted.

Fuck everything else. Fuck everyone else. He has this now, Isak is his.

He has to swallow thickly at that thought.

Isak is his.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m doing the Evakteket 6 months anniversary challenge, so the next Rearranged update won’t be as fast as this one. That being said, I hope I can tempt you all with a lifeguard AU on the 12th. ;)
> 
> If you want to make this writer a happy camper, please leave a comment and/or kudos, and imagine me squirm whenever I update my inbox… :D :D
> 
> If there’s anybody left who doesn’t know(!), I am [nofeartina](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, come play! And the post for this fic is [here](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/post/165075306994/and-just-like-that-a-spell-was-broken-nofeartina). :)


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